Never, No Never

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The past few months have been a struggle to keep my head above water. I wake up each morning and give thanks that my people are safe and our household is still functioning as normal. We live in a lovely house, have food to eat, electricity, water and lots of love.

I won’t lie…every now and then I can’t fight the waves of fear that overcome me. I put on a brave face and leave the house before my tears give way and those people, those lovely gifts of life who need me to be strong, catch me in the middle of my fear. Some days I don’t know how our household has made it these past few months, and I tell myself that giving in to this wave of fear is somehow a lack of gratitude, irrational or, even worse, a lapse of faith.

This isn’t easy. This giving up of all my plans, embracing failure, expecting less, letting go. I am not the same person I was five, or even fifteen years ago. Not even five months ago. I’ve lost control of my circumstances, I’m powerless, weak, tired, and hoping for things I cannot see. And I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

So I feel helpless. And lonely. And empty. And forgotten. And unworthy of all the gifts He has given to sustain us through this difficult time. All that I’ve created to “fall back on” has disappeared and there’s simply nothing left…but faith.

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When I drive home each night, I prepare myself for the “needs” that await me. For the people who count on me to guide them through life and reflect Jesus. And God is faithful. As I walk in the back door to the house, I will be overwhelmed by the love that surfaces for these women, that sweet, happy baby. And when my head finally hits the pillow, I will give thanks for the day that finally made it to shore as a gentle, soft wave. And there in the dark, I will still believe He loves me and cares for me. And I will continue to ask Him to deliver me, and my people, from this strange and difficult chapter in our lives.

Each day is another day to put on my armor, to love, to sacrifice, to hope, to give thanks, and to believe He will never, no never, no never, abandon us.

 

 



 

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